[Major Payne]

Thanks. You asked for another one?

A lot of folks can't understand how we came to have an oil shortage here in our country.

Well, there's a very simple answer. Nobody bothered to check the oil. We just didn't know we were getting low.

The reason for that is purely geographical. Our OIL is located in :

Alaska, California, Oklahoma, and Texas .




Our DIPSTICKS are located in Washington DC!!!


Ron

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Drunken argument...

Two drunks are walking along. One drunk says to the other, "What a beautiful night. Look at that moon!"

The other drunk stops and looks at his drunk friend. "You are wrong. That's not the moon; that's the sun!"

Both continued arguing for awhile when they came upon another drunk walking along. So they stopped him and said, "Sir, could you please help settle our argument? Tell us what that thing is up in the sky that's shining. Is it the moon or the sun?"

The third drunk look at the sky and then looked at them and said, "Sorry, I don't live around here."

~Dr. Gutstein~

[Dr. Gutstein]

Drunken argument...

Two drunks are walking along. One drunk says to the other, "What a beautiful night. Look at that moon!"

The other drunk stops and looks at his drunk friend. "You are wrong. That's not the moon; that's the sun!"

Both continued arguing for awhile when they came upon another drunk walking along. So they stopped him and said, "Sir, could you please help settle our argument? Tell us what that thing is up in the sky that's shining. Is it the moon or the sun?"

The third drunk look at the sky and then looked at them and said, "Sorry, I don't live around here."

~Dr. Gutstein~

[andydf]

A senior citizen in Florida bought a brand new Corvette convertible.
He took off down the road, flooring it to 80 mph and enjoying the wind blowing through what little hair he had left on his head. "This is great," he thought as he roared down I-75.
He pushed the pedal to the metal even more.
Then he looked in his rear view mirror and saw a highway patrol trooper behind him, blue lights flashing and siren blaring.
"I can get away from him with no problem" thought the man and he tromped it some more and flew down the road at over 100 mph. Then 110, 120 mph.
Then he thought, "What am I doing? I'm too old for this kind of thing."
He pulled over to the side of the road and waited for the trooper to catch up with him.
The trooper pulled in behind the Corvette and walked up to the man. "Sir," he said, looking at his watch. "My shift ends in 30 minutes and today is Friday. If you can give me a reason why you were speeding that I've never heard before, I'll let you go."
The man looked at the trooper and said, "Years ago my wife ran off with a
Florida State Trooper, and I thought you were bringing her back."
"Have a good day, Sir," said the Trooper.

[Antartic-Boy]

Two weasels are sitting on a bar stool. One starts to insult the other one.
He screams: "I slept with your mother!"
The bar gets quiet as everyone listens to see what the other weasel will do.
The first again yells: "I SLEPT WITH YOUR MOTHER!"
The other says: "Go home dad, you're drunk!"

[dealsgeek]

"i went to a fight the other night and a hockey game broke out" rodney dangerfield (i get no respect)

[The Architect]

An elderly man lay dying in his bed. While suffering the agonies of impending death, he suddenly smelled the aroma of his favorite chocolate chip cookies wafting up the stairs.

He gathered his remaining strength and lifted himself from the bed. Leaning against the wall, he slowly made his way out of the bedroom, and, with even greater effort, gripping the railing with both hands, he crawled down the stairs. With labored breath, he leaned against the door frame, and gazed into the kitchen. Were it not for death's agony, he would have thought himself already in heaven, for there, spread out upon waxed paper on the kitchen table, were literally hundreds of his favorite chocolate chip cookies.

Was it heaven? Or was it one final act of love from his devoted wife of sixty years, seeing to it that he left this world a happy man? Mustering one great final effort, he threw himself toward the table, landing on his knees in a slump. His parched lips parted, the wondrous taste of the cookie was already in his mouth, seemingly bringing him back to life. The aged and withered hand trembled on its way to a cookie at the edge of the table, when it was suddenly smacked with a spatula by his wife...

"Screw off," she said, "they're for the funeral."

[The Architect]

I hate a dead joke thread! So here's another one:

A husband is at home watching a football game when his wife asks, "Honey, could you fix the light in the hallway? It's been flickering for weeks now."

He looks at her and says angrily, "Fix the light? Do you see 'General Electric' written on my forehead?"

"Well then," she says, "could you fix the fridge door? It won't close properly."
To which he replied, "Fix the fridge door? Do you see 'Westinghouse' written on my forehead?"

"Fine," she says, "then could you at least fix the steps to the front door? They're about to fall apart."

"Fix the steps?" he says. "Do you see 'Home Depot' written on my forehead?"

Satisfied that he's put his wife in her place, the man goes back to watching the TV.

The next day, when he comes home from work, he notices that the steps are already fixed. He enters the house, and sees that the hall light is working. Grabbing himself a beer from the fridge, he finds that the door is working perfectly. "Honey," he calls, "how did this stuff all get fixed?"

"Well," she said, "when I sat on the porch this morning, I thought of all the things I asked you to do last night, and I just broke down and cried. A nice young man was walking by, and he stopped to ask me what was wrong, so I told him. He offered to do all the repairs, and all I had to do was go to bed with him or bake him a cake."

"So what kind of cake did you bake?" the husband asked.

She replied, "Do you see 'Betty Crocker' written on my forehead?"

Edited by The Architect, 23 November 2005 - 04:01 PM.

[Kat]

My 10 yr old told me this. It's hilarious, but I have a feeling you *guys* may not think so.

One day, a guy finds an old teapot and takes it home to wash it. Out pops a genie, and asks the man what three wishes he wants granted. The man thinks long and hard and asks the genie for more time.

A few months later, the genie tells the man "Sir, I really need to grant your wishes". The man replies that he would like to be 100 times smarter than he already is. POOF! The man is 100 times smarter.

A few more months go by, and the genie again reminds the man he has two more wishes. The man thinks about it, and realized that he's so successful, with a great job and making good money, he'd like to be even smarter! He tells the genie "I wish to be 1000 times smarter!" POOF! He's 1000 times smarter.

Several months later, the genie says "Sir, I must grant your last wish. Have you decided what you'd like?" By this time, the man is living in a masion, with all the material possessions he could ever want or need. He has an amazing job, making a ton of money. He decides he'd like to be even smarter!

"Genie, I wish to be 1 million times smarter than what I am now".

POOF!!

The man turned into a woman.

[Octagonal]

A blonde and a few of her friends all go to the blonde's home for morning tea one sunny Wednesday morning. While chatting and enjoying their morning get together, one of the friends notice that the blonde has two little pit bull terriers.

Friend: Oh, I notice that you have got yourself a couple of nice little playmates.

Blonde: But yes, I've only had them home for a couple of days.

Friend: What would their names be?

Blonde: Well... that one is called "Rolex" and the other is named "Timex".

Friend: Why did you give them those names?

The blonde replied with utter astonishment : Well silly, they are going to be watch dogs.......

Sorry Kat

[The Architect]

Veteran Pillsbury spokesperson Pop 'N Fresh died yesterday from complications arising from repeated pokes in the belly. He was 71.

Fresh was buried in one of the largest funeral ceremonies in recent years. Dozens of celebrities turned out including Mrs. Butterworth, the California Raisins, Hungry Jack , Betty Crocker, and the Hostess Twinkies.

The grave side was piled high with flours as a long time friend, Aunt Jemima, delivered the eulogy, describing Fresh as a man who never knew how much he was kneaded. Fresh rose quickly in show business, but his later life was filled with many turnovers. He was not considered a very smart cookie, wasting much of his dough on half baked schemes - usually after being conned by someone who buttered him up. Still, even as a crusty old man, he was a roll model for millions.

Fresh is survived by his second wife. They have two children and another in the oven. The funeral was held at 3:50 for about 20 minutes.

[Kat]

Sorry Kat

Why is it ya'll think I don't like blonde jokes? This one was good!

[Justin]

My brother told me this the other day...its cheesy, but hillarious...

Two strings walk into a bar, they sit down and ask the bar tender for a beer.
The bar tender says "We do not serve strings here, I think you should both leave".
Both of the strings get up and leave the bar.
One of the strings is so mad he gets an idea. He ruffles up his hair and walks back into the bar. he sits down at the bar and orders a drink.

The bar tender looks up at the piece of string and says "Hey, werent you the piece of string that was just in here?"

The piece of string replies, "No, im a frayed knot."


bwhahahah

[The Architect]

Speaking of bars (and cheesy):

A grasshopper walks into a bar and the bartender says to him, "Hey! We got a drink named after you!"

And the grasshopper says, "Yeah? What kinda drink is a Bob?"

[Octagonal]

Why is it ya'll think I don't like blonde jokes?

I can only speak for myself. It isn't that I think that you don't like these type of jokes, but more like I hope that you aren't offended by them. The same goes for all blondes that read them. I have a couple of friends that I dare not tell a blonde joke to.

Keep smilin'
"O"

[Dr. Gutstein]

A climber fell off a cliff, and as he tumbled down, he caught hold of a small branch wedged in the rock.

"HELP! IS THERE ANYBODY UP THERE?" he shouted.

A majestic voice boomed through the gorge:

"I will help you, my son, but first you must have faith in me."

"Yes, yes, I trust you!" cried the man.

"Let go of the branch," boomed the voice.

There was a long pause, and the man shouted up again, "IS THERE ANYONE ELSE UP THERE I COULD TALK TO?"

~Dr. Gutstein~