[†Gladiator†]

two blondes went hunting they came across a set of tracks the first one said :"those are moose tracks" the second one said: "no silly those are deer tracks"
they were still arguing untill they got hit by the train.

Blonde: Why haven't we landed on the sun yet?
reply: Cause it's way too hot
Blonde: hmm we can just go at night.

Edited by †Gladiator†, 10 August 2006 - 12:38 PM.

[Advertisements]

Joke edited for mild sexual content

I apologize if anyone was offended by my monkey joke I never read any sexual content into it myself...sorry

I'll try these one's

Q: Why are so many Scottish churches round:?
A: So nobody can hide in the corners during the collection.

Q: Did you hear about the Scotsman who married a girl born on February the 29th:?
A: so he'd only have to buy her a birthday present every four years.

Q: An old Scotsman was watching a game of golf for the first time. " What do you think of it ?" asked a friend.
A: " It looks to me, " was the reply, " like a harmless little ball chased by men too old to chase anything else."

Q: SAVE petrol by pushing your car to your destination.?
A: Invariably passers-by will think you've broken down and help.

[cheyenne 09]

Joke edited for mild sexual content

I apologize if anyone was offended by my monkey joke I never read any sexual content into it myself...sorry

I'll try these one's

Q: Why are so many Scottish churches round:?
A: So nobody can hide in the corners during the collection.

Q: Did you hear about the Scotsman who married a girl born on February the 29th:?
A: so he'd only have to buy her a birthday present every four years.

Q: An old Scotsman was watching a game of golf for the first time. " What do you think of it ?" asked a friend.
A: " It looks to me, " was the reply, " like a harmless little ball chased by men too old to chase anything else."

Q: SAVE petrol by pushing your car to your destination.?
A: Invariably passers-by will think you've broken down and help.

[cheyenne 09]

Q:.. Jock finds himself in dire trouble. His business has gone bust and he's in serious financial problems.
He's so desperate that he decides to ask God for help. "God, please help me.

Ah've lost ma wee store and if Ah dinna get some money, Ah'm going to lose my hoose too.
Please let me win the lottery!

" Lottery night! Someone else wins... Jock prays again. "God, please let me win the lottery!

Ah've lost my wee store, ma hoose and Ah'm going to lose ma car as weel!
" Lottery night again!
Still no luck... Jock prays again.

"Ah've lost ma business, ma hoose and ma car.
Ma bairns are starving... Ah dinna often ask Ye for help and Ah have always been a good servant to Ye.
PLEASE just let me win the lottery this one time so Ah can get back on ma feet!"


A:.. Suddenly there is a blinding flash as the heavens open and the voice of God Himself thunders:
.."Jock at least meet Me half way and buy a ticket!"

[cheyenne 09]

Q: Why did the blonde keep a coat hanger in her back seat?
A: In case she locks the keys in her car.

Q: What does a postcard from a blonde's vacation say?
A: Having a fantastic time. Where am I?

Q: How do you keep a blonde in suspense?
A: Present her with a mirror and tell her to wait for the other person to say "Hello"

Q: How many stupid blondes does it take to make a circuit?
A: Two - one to stand inside the bath, the other to pass the hair dryer.

Q: What do you call a blonde skeleton in the closet?
A: Last year's hide and seek champion.

[cheyenne 09]

Let's take a trip to Disney
Two blondes had driven across the country to see Disney World in Florida.

As they approached it and got onto the final stretch of highway, they saw a sign saying "Disney World Left!"

After thinking for a minute, the driver blonde said "Oh well!" and started driving back home.

[cheyenne 09]

Your kid has been kidnapped

A blonde, out of money and down on her luck after buying air at a real bargain, needed money desperately. To raise cash, she decided to kidnap a child and hold him for ransom.

She went to the local playground, grabbed a kid randomly, took her behind a building, and told her, "I've kidnapped you."

She then wrote a big note saying, "I've kidnapped your kid. Tomorrow morning, put $10,000 in a paper bag and leave it under the apple tree next to the slides on the south side of the playground. Signed, A blonde."

The blonde then pinned the note to the kid's shirt and sent him home to show it to his parents. The next morning the blonde checked, and sure enough, a paper bag was sitting beneath the apple tree. The blonde looked in the bag and found the $10,000 with a note that said, "How could you do this to a fellow blonde?"

[MsSmilie]

Pet Diaries

*** FROM A DOG�S DIARY ***

Day number 180

8:00 am - OH BOY! DOG FOOD! MY FAVOURITE!

9:30 am - OH BOY! A CAR RIDE! MY FAVOURITE!

9:40 am - OH BOY! A WALK! MY FAVOURITE!

10:30 am - OH BOY! A CAR RIDE! MY FAVOURITE!

11:30 am - OH BOY! DOG FOOD! MY FAVOURITE!

12:00 noon - OH BOY! THE KIDS! MY FAVOURITE!

1:00 PM - OH BOY! THE YARD! MY FAVOURITE!

4:00 PM - OH BOY! THE KIDS! MY FAVOURITE!

5:00 PM - OH BOY! DOG FOOD! MY FAVOURITE!

5:30 PM - OH BOY! MOM! MY FAVOURITE!

Day number 181

8:00 am - OH BOY! DOG FOOD! MY FAVOURITE!

9:30 am - OH BOY! A CAR RIDE! MY FAVOURITE!

9:40 am - OH BOY! A WALK! MY FAVOURITE!

10:30 am - OH BOY! A CAR RIDE! MY FAVOURITE!

11:30 am - OH BOY! DOG FOOD! MY FAVOURITE!

12:00 noon - OH BOY! THE KIDS! MY FAVOURITE!

1:00 PM - OH BOY! THE YARD! MY FAVOURITE!

4:00 PM - OH BOY! THE KIDS! MY FAVOURITE!

5:00 PM - OH BOY! DOG FOOD! MY FAVOURITE!

5:30 PM - OH BOY! MOM! MY FAVOURITE!

Day number 182

8:00 am - OH BOY! DOG FOOD! MY FAVOURITE!

9:30 am - OH BOY! A CAR RIDE! MY FAVOURITE !

9:40 am - OH BOY! A WALK! MY FAVOURITE!

10:30 am - OH BOY! A CAR RIDE! MY FAVOURITE!

11:30 am - OH BOY! DOG FOOD! MY FAVOURITE!

12:00 noon - OH BOY! THE KIDS! MY FAVOURITE!

1:00 PM - OH BOY! THE YARD! MY FAVOURITE!

1:30 PM - ooooooo. bath. bummer.

4:00 PM - OH BOY! THE KIDS! MY FAVOURITE!

5:00 PM - OH BOY! DOG FOOD! MY FAVOURITE!

5:30 PM - OH BOY! MOM! MY FAVOURITE!



*** FROM A CAT�S DIARY ***

DAY 752

My captors continue to taunt me with bizarre little dangling objects. They dine lavishly on fresh meat, while I am forced to eat dry cereal. The only thing that keeps me going is the hope of escape and the mild satisfaction I get from ruining the occasional piece of furniture. Tomorrow I may eat another houseplant.

DAY 761

Today my attempt to kill my captors by weaving around their feet while they were walking almost succeeded, must try this at the top of the stairs. In an attempt to disgust and repulse these vile oppressors, I once again induced myself to vomit on their favourite chair � must try this on their bed.

DAY 765

Decapitated a mouse and brought them the headless body, in attempt to make them aware of what I am capable of and to try to strike fear into their hearts. They only cooed and condescended about what a good little cat I was � Hmmm. Not working according to plan.

DAY 768

I am finally aware of how sadistic they are. For no good reason I was chosen for the water torture. This time however it included a burning foamy chemical called �shampoo.� What sick minds could invent such a liquid. My only consolation is the piece of thumb still stuck between my teeth.

DAY 771

There was some sort of gathering of their accomplices. I was placed in solitary throughout the event. However, I could hear the noise and smell the foul odour of the glass tubes they call �beer �� More importantly I overheard that my confinement was due to MY power of �allergies.� Must learn what this is and how to use it to my advantage.

DAY 774

I am convinced the other captives are flunkies and maybe snitches. The dog is routinely released and seems more than happy to return. He is obviously a half-wit. The bird on the other hand has got to be an informant, and speaks with them regularly. I am certain he reports my every move. Due to his current placement in the metal room his safety is assured. But I can wait, it is only a matter of time �

[cheyenne 09]

A group of Americans were touring Scotand... One of the women in the group was constantly complaining.

The bus seats are uncomfortable. The food is terrible... It's too hot. It's too cold. It's too rainy.
The hotel accommodations are awful.

The group arrived at Scone Palace the site of the famous Stone of Destiny... "Good luck"...
will be following you all your days if you kiss the Stone,.." the guide said.

"Unfortunately, it's being cleaned today and so no one will be able to kiss it.
Perhaps we can come back tomorrow."

"We can't be here tomorrow," the nasty woman shouted. "We have some other boring tour to go on.
So I guess we can't kiss the stupid stone."

"Well now," the guide said, "it is said that if you kiss someone who has kissed the stone, you'll have the same good fortune."

"And I suppose you've kissed the stone,.." the woman scoffed...
"No, ma'am,.." the frustrated guide said,... "but I've sat on it."...

Edited by cheyenne 09, 20 August 2006 - 10:48 AM.

[cheyenne 09]

Jock was digging peat at his croft when a passing American tourist asks,
.."How much land do you have here?"

.."About two acres" Jock replies..

.."You know back home it takes me a day to drive around my ranch !" the American boasts..

.."Aye", says Jock " I once had a car like that."


The big crowd gathered on the banks of Loch Ness and watched the tourist apply artificial respiration to the highland lassie he'd just rescued...

Her parents broke through the crowds, joyful at seeing their daughter alive and well...

.." Sandy, " said the happy mother... " Give that kind American a dollar".
He saved our daughters life."

" But, mum, " protested the lass. " I was half dead ' " " All right, " mum said. " Give him fifty cents."

Edited by cheyenne 09, 20 August 2006 - 11:02 AM.

[cheyenne 09]

12 Days Of Helpdesk


Original: "12 Days of Christmas"
On the first day of Christmas, a user gave to me
A problem with E.T.

On the second day of Christmas, a user gave to me
Two VendaCards and a problem with E.T.

On the third day of Christmas, a user gave to me
Three dead disks,
Two venda cards, and a problem with E.T.

On the fourth day of Christmas, a user gave to me
Four virused files, three dead disks,
Two VendaCards, and a problem with E.T.

On the fifth day of Christmas, a user gave to me
Five Token Rings (*snap!*)
Four virused files, three dead disks,
Two VendaCards, and a problem with E.T.

On the sixth day of Christmas, a user gave to me
Six servers crashing,
Five Token Rings (*snap!*)
Four virused files, three dead disks,
Two VendaCards, and a problem with E.T.

On the seventh day of Christmas, a user gave to me
Seven files missing, six servers crashing,
Five Token Rings (*snap!*)
Four virused files, three dead disks,
Two VendaCards, and a problem with E.T.



On the eighth day of Christmas, a user gave to me
Eight phones a-ringing,
Seven files missing, six servers crashing,
Five Token Rings (*snap!*)
Four virused files, three dead disks,
Two VendaCards, and a problem with E.T.

On the ninth day of Chrsitmas, a user gave to me
Nine printers jamming, eight phones a-ringing,
Seven files missing, six servers crashing,
Five Token Rings (*snap!*)
Four virused files, three dead disks,
Two VendaCards, and a problem with E.T.

On the tenth day of Christmas, a user gave to me
Ten ribbons fading,
Nine printers jamming, eight phones a-ringing,
Seven files missing, six servers crashing,
Five Token Rings (*snap!*)
Four virused files, three dead disks,
Two VendaCards, and a problem with E.T.

On the eleventh day of Christmas, a user gave to me
Eleven system errors, ten ribbons fading,
Nine printers jamming, eight phones a-ringing,
Seven files missing, six servers crashing,
Five Token Rings (*snap!*)
Four virused files, three dead disks,
Two VendaCards, and a problem with E.T.

On the twelfth day of Christmas, a user gave to me
Twelve e-mail problems,
Eleven system errors, ten ribbons fading,
Nine printers jamming, eight phones a-ringing,
Seven files missing, six servers crashing,
Five Token Rings (*snap!*)
Four virused files, three dead disks,
Two VendaCards, and a problem with E.T.



(consultant collapses)

[cheyenne 09]

An Airliner

Q: At a recent software engineering management course in the US, the participants were given an awkward question to answer. "If you had just boarded an airliner and discovered that your team of programmers had been responsible for the flight control software how many of you would disembark immediately?"

A: Among the ensuing forest of raised hands, only one man sat motionless. When asked what he would do, he replied that he would be quite content to stay onboard.

With his team's software, he said, the plane was unlikely to even taxi as far as the runway, let alone take off.

[MsSmilie]

Brokeback Mountain Weekly Grocery Lists


WEEK ONE

* Beans
* Bacon
* Coffee
* Whiskey

WEEK TWO

* Beans
* Ham
* Coffee
* Whiskey

WEEK THREE

* Beans al fresca
* Thin-sliced Bacon
* Hazelnut Coffee
* Sky vodka & Tanqueray gin
* K-Y gel

WEEK FOUR

* Beans en salade
* Pancetta
* Coffee (espresso grind)
* 5-6 bottles best Chardonnay
* 2 tubes K-Y gel

WEEK FIVE

* Fresh Fava beans
* Jasmine rice
* Prosciutto, approx. 8 ounces, thinly sliced
* Medallions of veal
* Porcini mushrooms
* 1/2 pint of heavy whipping cream
* 1 Cub Scout uniform, size 42 long
* 5-6 bottles French Bordeaux (Estate Reserve)
* 1 extra large bottle Astro-glide

WEEK SIX

* Yukon Gold potatoes
* Heavy whipping cream
* Asparagus (very thin)
* Organic Eggs
* Spanish Lemons
* Gruyere cheese (well aged)
* Crushed Walnuts
* Arugula
* Clarified Butter
* Extra Virgin Olive oil
* Pure Balsamic vinegar
* 6 yards white silk organdy
* 6 yards pale ivory taffeta
* 3 Cases of Dom Perignon Masters Reserve
* Large tin Crisco

[cheyenne 09]

AOL Car

The AOL car would have a TOP speed of 40 MPH yet have a 200 MPH speedometer.

The AOL car would come equipped with a NEW and fantastic 12 cartridage cd-player.

The car would often refuse to start and owners would just expect this and try again later.

The windshield would have an extra dark tint to protect the driver from seeing better cars.

AOL would sell the same model car year after year and claim it's the NEW model.

Every now and then the brakes on the AOL car would just "lock-up" for no apparent reason.

The AOL car would have a very plain body style but would have lots of pretty colors and lights.

The AOL car would have only one door but it would have 5 extra seats for family members.

Anyone dissatisfied could return the car but must continue to make payments for 6 months.

If an AOL car owner received 3 parking tickets AOL would take the car off of them.

The AOL car would have an AOL Cell phone that can only place calls to other AOL car cell phones.

AOL would pass a new car law forbidding AOL car owners from driving near other car dealerships.

AOL car mechanics would have no experience in car repair.

Younger AOL car drivers would be able to make other peoples AOL cars stall just for fun.

It would not be possible to upgrade your AOL car stereo.

AOL cars would be forced to use AOL gas that cost 20% more and gave worse mileage.

Anytime an AOL car owner saw another AOL car owner he would wonder, M/F/age?

It would be common for AOL car owners to divorce just to marry another AOL car owner.

AOL car owners would always claim to be older or younger than they really are.

AOL cars would come with a steering wheel and AOL would claim no other cars have them.

Every time you close the door on the AOL car it would say, "Good-Bye."

Edited by cheyenne 09, 04 September 2006 - 10:37 AM.

[cheyenne 09]

Jingle Gates

it was the night before Christmas, when all through the house
Not a creature was stirring, except Papa's mouse.
The computer was humming, the icons were hopping,
As Papa did last-minute Internet shopping.

The stockings were hung by the modem with care
In hope that St. Nicholas would bring new software.
The children were nestled all snug in their beds,
While visions of computer games danced in their heads.

Dark Forces for Billy, and Doom II for Dan,
And Carmen Sandiego for Pamela Ann.
The letters to Santa had been sent out by Mom,
To [email protected] -

Which has now been re-routed to Washington State
Because Santa's workshop has been bought by Bill Gates.
All the elves and reindeer have had to skedaddle
To flashy new quarters in suburban Seattle.

After centuries of a life that was simple and spare,
St. Nicholas is suddenly a new billionaire,
With a shiny red Porsche in the place of his sleigh,
And a house on Lake Washington that's just down the way
From where Bill has his mansion. The old fellow preens
In black Gucci boots and red Calvin Klein jeans.
The elves have stock options and desks with a view,
Where they write computer code for Johnny and Sue.

No more dolls or toy soldiers or little toy drums
(ahem - pardon me)
No more dolls or tin soldiers or little toy drums
Will be under the tree, only compact disk ROMS
With the Microsoft label. So spin up your drive,
From now on Christmas runs only on Windows 95.

More rapid than eagles the competitors came,
And Bill whistled, and shouted, and called them by name.
"Now, ADOBE! now, CLARIS! now, INTUIT! too,
Now, APPLE! and NETSCAPE! you are all of you through,

It is Microsoft's SANTA that the kids can't resist,
It's the ultimate software with a traditional twist -
Recommended by no less than the jolly old elf,
And on the package, a picture of Santa himself.

Get 'em young, keep 'em long, is Microsoft's scheme,
And a merger with Santa is a merketer's dream.
To the top of the NASDAQ! to the top of the Dow!
Now dash away! dash away! dash away - wow!"

And Mama in her 'kerchief and I in my cap,
Had just settled down for a long winter's nap,
When out on the lawn there arose such a clatter,
The whirr and the hum of our satellite platter,
As it turned toward that new Christmas star in the sky,
The SANTALITE owned by the Microsoft guy.
As I sprang from my bed and was turning around,
My computer turned on with a Jingle-Bells sound.

And there on the screen was a smiling Bill Gates
Next to jolly old Santa, two arm-in-arm mates.
And I heard them exclaim in voice so bright,
Have a MICROSOFT CHRISTMAS,
and TO ALL A GOOD NIGHT.

[Shock Box]

Bill Gates died and went to Heaven.

Saint Peter showed him to his house, a small cottage on a tiny plot in the woods. The closets were full of simple but servicable clothing, and the kitchen was stocked with the basic needs. Bill slowly settled into a modest and quiet life in heaven.

One day, Bill was walking in one of Heaven's many fine parks, when he ran into a man dressed in a fine tailored suit.

"That is a nice suit, my friend," said Gates. "Where did you get it?"

"Actually," the man replied, "I was given a hundred of these when I got here. I've been treated really well. I got a mansion on a hill overlooking a beautiful lake. I have a huge five-hundred acre estate, a golf course, tennis courts and three Rolls Royces."

"Were you the Pope, or a doctor who healed the sick?" asked Gates.

"No," said his new friend, "Actually, I was the captain of the Titanic."

Hearing this made Gates so angry that he immediately stalked off to find St. Peter.

Cornering St. Peter, Bill told him about the man he had just met, saying, "How could you give me a paltry new house, while you're
showering new cars, a mansion, and fine suits on the Captain of the Titanic? I invented the Windows operating system! Why does he deserve better?"

"Yes, we use Windows here in heaven," replied Peter, "and the Titanic only crashed once."

THE CARS BROKE DOWN

One day, a Mechanical Engineer, Electrical Engineer, Chemical Engineer and Computer Engineer were driving down the street in the same car.

The car broke down.

The Mechanical Engineer said, "I think a rod broke."

The Chemical Engineer said, "The way it sputtered at the end, I don't think it's getting gas."

The Electrical Engineer said, "I think there was a spark and something is wrong with the electrical system."

All three turned to the computer engineer and said, "What do you think?"

The Computer Engineer said, "I think we should all get out and get back in."

THE CODE

Young Judy was having trouble with her computer, so she called Tony, the computer guy, over to her desk.

Tony clicked a couple buttons and solved the problem. As he was walking away, Judy called after him, "So, what was wrong?"

He replied, "It was an ID Ten T Error."

A puzzled expression came over Judy's face. "An ID Ten T Error?

What's that? In case I need to fix it again."

Tony gave her a grin. "Haven't you ever heard of an ID Ten T Error before?"

"No," replied Judy.

"Write it down," he said, "and I think you'll figure it out."

She wrote... I D 1 0 T

COMPUTER POWER

The businessman dragged himself home and barely made it to his chair before he dropped, exhausted.

His sympathetic wife was right there with a tall cool drink and a comforting word.

"My, you look tired," she said. "You must have had a hard day today. What happened to make you so exhausted?"

"It was terrible," her husband said, "The computer broke down and all of us had to do our own thinking."

A MICROSOFT RESTARAUT

Patron: Waiter!

Waiter: Hi, my name is Bill, and I'll be your Support. What seems to be the problem?

Patron: There's a fly in my soup!

Waiter: Try again, maybe the fly won't be there this time.

Patron: No, it's still there.

Waiter: Maybe it's the way you're using the soup. Try eating it with a fork instead.

Patron: Even when I use the fork, the fly is still there.

Waiter: Maybe the soup is incompatible with the bowl. What kind of bowl are you using?

Patron: A SOUP bowl!

Waiter: Hmmm, that should work. Maybe it's a configuration problem. How was the bowl set up?

Patron: You brought it to me on a saucer. What has that to do with the fly in my soup?!

Waiter: Can you remember everything you did before you noticed the fly in your soup?

Patron: I sat down and ordered the Soup of the Day!

Waiter: Have you considered upgrading to the latest Soup of the Day?

Patron: You have more than one Soup of the Day each day??

Waiter: Yes, the Soup of the Day is changed every hour.

Patron: Well, what is the Soup of the Day now?

Waiter: The current Soup of the Day is tomato.

Patron: Fine. Bring me the tomato soup, and the check. I'm running late now.

[waiter leaves and returns with another bowl of soup and the check]

Waiter: Here you are, Sir. The soup and your check.

Patron: This is potato soup.

Waiter: Yes, the tomato soup wasn't ready yet.

Patron: Well, I'm so hungry now, I'll eat anything.

[waiter leaves.]

Patron: Waiter! There's a gnat in my soup!

The check:
Soup of the Day . . . . . . . $5.00
Upgrade to newer Soup of the Day. . $2.50
Access to support . . . . . . $1.00

WHAT NO E-MAIL

An unemployed man goes to apply for a job with Microsoft as a janitor. The manager there arranges for him to take an aptitude test (Section: Floors, sweeping and cleaning).

After the test, the manager says, "You will be employed at minimum wage, $5.25 an hour. Let me have your e-mail address, so that I can send you a form to complete and tell you where to report for work on your first day. Taken aback, the man protests that he has neither a computer nor an e-mail address. To this the MS manager replies, "Well, then, that means that you virtually don't exist and can therefore hardly expect to be employed."

Stunned, the man leaves. Not knowing where to turn and having only $10 in his wallet, he decides to buy a 25 lb. flat of tomatoes at the supermarket. Within less than 2 hours, he sells all the tomatoes individually at 100% profit.

Repeating the process several times more that day, he ends up with almost $100 before going to sleep that night.

And thus it dawns on him that he could quite easily make a living selling tomatoes. Getting up early every day and going to bed late, he multiplies his profits quickly. After a short time he acquires a cart to
transport several dozen boxes of tomatoes, only to have to trade it in again so that he can buy a pick-up truck to support his expanding business.

By the end of the second year, he is the owner of a fleet of pick-up trucks and manages a staff of a hundred former unemployed people, all selling tomatoes. Planning for the future of his wife and children, he decides to buy some life insurance. Consulting with an insurance
adviser, he picks an insurance plan. At the end of the telephone conversation, the adviser asks him for his e-mail address in order to send the final documents electronically.

When the man replies that he has no e-mail, the adviser is stunned, "What, you don't have e-mail? How on earth have you managed to amass such wealth without the Internet, e-mail and e-commerce? Just imagine where you would be now, if you had been connected to the internet from the very start!" After a moment of thought, the tomato millionaire
replied, "Why, of course! I would be a floor cleaner at Microsoft!"

Moral of this story:

1. The Internet, e-mail and e-commerce do not need to rule your life.
2. If you don't have e-mail, but work hard, you can still become a millionaire.
3. Seeing that you got this story via e-mail, you're probably closer to becoming a janitor than you are to becoming a millionaire.
4. If you do have a computer and e-mail, you have already been taken to the cleaners by Microsoft.